Disciplining
Children
We are living in a society today in which the discipline of
children is largely being neglected or simply ignored. Many parents seem to be abdicating
responsibility for the training and nurturing of their children in the area of self-discipline
to the schools or waiting for their sons and daughters to enter military
service and get “straightened out.”
Whether you are in a public or more private setting with parents and
children, it does not take long to figure out that our families are having
trouble. Children are being
disobedient, disrespectful and destructive without consequences, and parents
seem unwilling or unable to use teachable moments to train, direct and
discipline their children.
Christian parents, if they are not careful, can be sucked
into the vortex of societies norms and willingly accept the values and practices
of the world instead of God’s design and principles for the family.
Disciplining children is one of the tasks God has placed on
parents. Here is a key passage
regarding God’s expectations of fathers and their role in discipline:
5 And you have forgotten that word of
encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of
the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the
Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a
son." 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For
what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and
everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true
sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we
respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our
spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they
thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his
holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on,
however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have
been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:5-11 NIV
Children move through life with a view that their earthly
father is god. He is big, he
loves, he provides. As the child
matures they learn that their father has a god. Often they will acknowledge their father’s god as their own.
Later in life, as an adult, the
young person will move into the step of making God their Father. Discipline is at work in each step of
the spiritual development. While
this progression is of God’s design, it is delegated to the fathers and parents
until God is made Lord of the young person’s life.
A young person then, naturally moves from parental control
to self-control and ultimately to spirit control. Sadly many of our children do not have the benefit of
parenting that leads them to self-control and eventually to spirit empowered
behaviors.
The Bible is also written to children. God even included children in the ten
commandments. The fifth command is
to children; “Children honor your father and your mother in the Lord…” Children learn to honor their
parents through the loving consistant examples they give and through the
discipline and training which leads to respect and honor.
Parents are clearly responsible to raise their children and
discipline them in the Lord. When
there is permissiveness or abdication of this responsibility, the children,
parents, family and society suffers.
Godly parenting is intentional. There are goals and
strategies, there is design. Dr.
James Dobson makes a vivid analogy of this design through the observation of
how young sapling trees are grown:
When a sapling is planted, often two posts are driven deep into the
ground near the roots. Then there are
cords put around both posts. The
posts help the tree grow straight and tall. At some point the posts are removed and the tree is strong
to grow on its own. Dobson likens
this to training a young person, a mother and a father are the posts and the
cords are the nurturing and training that the young person receives. As the child grows, the cords must be
loosened and eventually removed or both the tree and the person will be
stunted.
There is a principle in scripture; “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old , he will not
depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
KJV. This is not a promise, it is
a general principle. Unlike trees,
children have their own free will and choice. At some point the child is ultimately responsible for the
choices and decisions they make, but the passage does underscore the importance
of early training and consistent nurturing.
When we talk about discipline, a lot of people confuse it
with punishment. Many of us have
not been disciplined but punished growing up. However, discipline and punishment are very different in many ways:
Discipline is concerned with future behaviors, Punishment deals with past sins
Discipline is corrective, instructive, Punishment is
penalizing and retaliatory.
Discipline is done in love, punishment is often done in
anger or dispassionately.
Disciplines goal is changed behavior, punishments goal is
retribution.
It is clear that there is a big difference between
discipline and punishment. It is
also easy to see why people are confused by the terms and why we need to be
careful to discipline our children and avoid the negative aspects of
punishment.
Scripture says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they
will not lose heart.” Colossians 3:21 NAS When discipline turns to punishment, children are exasperated and they are
discouraged and despair. Some of the
punishment behaviors are yelling at the child, berating them, not having a set
standard of behavior that is agreed upon, being arbitrary, retaliating, hurtful,
unkind etc etc..
Too many fathers and mothers exasperate, embitter and
provoke their children when they do not give clear guidelines or a consistent
system of rewards and discipline.
Fathers and mothers need to be on the same page when it comes to the
families system of discipline.
Unfortunately, both husband and wife have often been raised in two very
different systems and we tend to revert back to the system with which we are
most familiar. It is vital
that parents share the same values and be on the same page with discipline or
the system will fail and the children will not feel secure at home. “ A house
divided cannot stand.” Mark 3:25
Do you remember the game: red rover? In the game hands are locked and the
child runs and tries to break through.
This is a great picture of parenting. Parents need to be in agreement, arms locked tight, to the
limits and boundaries. They need
to be on the same page. When this
happens, the child will find strength and security.
It is very important that a system of consistent discipline
is maintained in the home. In the
beginning, parents can come up with the system and as the children mature, they
can have a part in the development of the system. The system should include both rewards for right behavior
and discipline for overt or unacceptable behavior. Many times when the children are allowed to participate in
the developing of a discipline system, they are harder on themselves than the
parents or the authority figure (teacher) would have been.
Suggestions for developing a discipline system can be found
elsewhere, however it is important that chores are not used as disciplinary
tokens. Children should have
chores and be responsible members of the family. Adding chores or putting on more chores will equate chores
to discipline in the child’s mind.
The paradox of childhood is that children seek a safe
peaceful environment and as such are willing to endure discipline to have
it. Children prefer to be in a
classroom or a family where consistent loving discipline is enforced. Class or home “rules” and
standards provide stability and peace.
It is much like a fence surrounding a back yard. The fence will keep the children in the
yard, but it also keeps them safe from external danger. Our children’s safety and their very
lives are dependent on the strength of the “fence” boundaries that we put into
place and maintain.
When we don’t set boundaries or fences around our children
we are saying that we do not love them enough to give them safe healthy
guidelines. These are not arbitrary
borders but wise, healthy boundaries.
We have mentioned the trap of falling into the world’s
system of parenting and have also suggested that sin and our own fleshly
desires work against parents, but there is a third part of this unholy trinity
of the world, the flesh and the devil.
We are engaged in a spiritual battle for our children. “The enemy, the devil”, the Bible tells
us “is a roaring lion walking around seeking whom he may devour.” I Peter 5:8. Satan seeks to steal, kill and
destroy. He desperately wants your
children. But not because he loves
them. He wants to steal
them, abuse them, defile them, destroy them and kill them. satan hates the image bearers of the
living and true God. he hates you
as a child of God and he hates your children.
When parents abdicate the spiritual instruction and nurture
of their children, they are basically handing their children over to the
roaring lion. Well meaning but
misguided parents will say, “We aren’t going to influence our children to
accept one religion, they need to make up their own minds when they are old
enough to experience different religions.”
Other parents make sports and school a priority over
spiritual instruction and even church attendance. “We can’t make our son (or daughter) go to church.” is commonly heard by frustrated pastors
and youth leaders. One youth
pastor recently said, “I just want to say to these parents, Why don’t you just
hand your children over to satan right now, because that is what he wants and
that is what is going to happen if you don’t give proper parental
guidance.”
Ideally the church and the home would work together with God
for the growth and development of the children of the faith community. It really does take more than a village
to raise a child. We need all the
help we can get from the village, but we must rely on the work of the Holy
Spirit in faith to speak to our children, to minister to them and to protect
and lead them into a life of obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ.
When Christian parents are on the same page and enforce
consistent and loving discipline on a regular basis, working together with
Godly mentors and sharing life with other parents going through the same
experiences, God is honored.
Fortunately, love does cover a multitude of sins.( I Peter 4:8.)
If our children turn out o.k., it is partially because of us
and our modeling Christlikeness, and it is also in spite of us, because we are
not perfect, we still sin and we make mistakes. Praying for our kids and lovingly disciplining them for their
own good will reap the fruit of righteousness in their lives. Becoming the best
disciples of Jesus Christ that we can possibility be and loving our spouses
dearly are both very practical steps that will make us better parents and we
will directly impact our children’s walk in maturity and faith.
And just about the time you see them growing up, being responsible, running errands for you, being obedient
and respectful, they leave home as young adults. They have ceased to be just one of your children, they are
now your friends. Consistent
loving discipline has yielded the fruit of a productive young man or woman of
God.
It is not easy,
it is not for the faint hearted, but it is worth it all. Our kids are worth the
effort.
